I met with Kathleen earlier in the week and she discussed the upcoming assignment to pick a room and remove objects in preparation of death. This became a struggle and the emotions were heavy because of recent weeks of being shrouded with death. I began to take apart the room removing a pic that had me holding my son. I went to a place because this tremendous fear of dying alone seemed paralyzing. As things sat in my upstairs hall way and kinda difficult because of the space but I could t tell anymore was it hard because of the assignment/task or the emotions? Once the room was completely empty, I recall an earlier phone call from my father about my grandmothers house and though he is engulfed with this battle with his siblings about what should happen with it, I then found myself thinking about them removing pictures, furntiture, all kinds of reminders of her life. I then thought my fears of dying alone and then said what did my grandmother feel? She was in a hospital/clinic home not in a familiar surrounding and I'm thinking what did she feel? Was the coma she was in the start of her journey?
There is no doubt in my mind that was the beginning of her journey. Detaching from the world around her. Many people stop talking, a way of detaching. Because you see death brings us all to the place where we realize it is all impermanent. The pictures, the furniture, the house, all is impermanent and meaningless in the greater picture. Our memories are simply that, ours, they may have nothing to do with with the dead persons reality, and particularly so after they die.
We are so egocentric that we think that all our "things" are going to mean something to everyone and they will hang onto them to pass them onto their children which don't even remember the person they belonged to...it is a sentimental way to stay connected, and keeps us from doing the deeper work of connecting through spirit, and letting another go when their time has come, with dignity and grace.
I couldn't possibly know what your Grandmother felt at the time of her death, and what I do perceive to be real is the moment after her death she releases ALL that was her life embodied here. All the sentimentality is for the living, and in our work this year we are seeking to step out of that and recognize the impermanence of all of it, we are preparing to die, consciously or unconsciously. And once your Grandmother passed that threshold, she was on to a greater adventure in the labyrinth than we can imagine. Whatever her Karma is/was will propel her and now she is in that.
We have such a limited view of what death really is about.
And we are surrounded by death daily, we are mostly unconscious of it.
Most of the time, when we die, we die alone. If we are prepared and conscious, we may be graced to have someone present that can honor the wishes of our most sacred experience. This is/will be the most sacred experience you will ever have. And it is well advised to move into the deeper work with it. Sentimentality will be gone once your breath is, Unless of course it is creating your karma.
one of the primary reasons we are doing this work this year, is to come into a different relationship with death. In truth you are never alone, and could never be. In practice you are capable of preparing your consciousness such that you can smile sweetly into that last breath and know that it is truly a beginning.
It takes doing the work.
This is the standard American death process. I was witness to great pain and turmoil regarding the estate of my Mother. My brother, and my sister became so embattled, and embittered, fighting constantly about what was going to happen to her money, her house, her things....it was nauseating. My position was always "whatever, give me my 37 cents when the time comes and leave me out of it".
It was heartbreaking to watch them like scavengers bickering over the remains, I ask my Mother if I could have a particular painting she had painted when she died, she ask what else do you want, I replied nothing just that painting.
When my Mother's estate was complete, I received the largest % of the estate. And it is neither good or bad. It is simply the way the energy unfolded.
We want this year to be about exploring other possibilities regarding this sacred process.
And the assignment is more about clearing out what you can that is a representative of the impermanence of our lives.
It's all in the books......and the heart center.
I understand and it's been difficult because as I try to sit in this assignment the things that have come up for me with death has been greed, mistrust with family and it has been hard to focus on her journey. The other difficulty was removing items from the room, I have just been caught in the state of " alone" because in this house I have felt it's only me. I have pictures of everyone in my life but it's only me.
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